Reviews: BLACK DEATH (2010)

I’m not gay or anything, but if Sean Bean ever came up to me and said ‘Hey Laurence, you wanna do it?”, well I would have dropped my trousers and jumped on the bed before you could say ‘Major Sharpe’.

Having said this you could probably guess that I’m something of a fan of Sean Bean, and in one of his most recent films the big, chisel-featured, blonde-haired Yorkshireman once more manages to pull off an epic performance in a film which for all we know could have been about one of his ancestors. The film ‘Black Death’ takes places in England during the afore mentioned plague and tells the story of a young monk who goes in search of his lover whilst escorting the duke of manliness to a village that, through some means, has escaped the wrath of the plague that’s becoming more of a nuisance than Chavs with access to air-horns. Sean Bean features as the captain of a band of religious zealots armed with swords, axes and the medieval equivalent of the Batmobile, whose mission is to find the village and hunt down the 14th Century representation of Lord Voldemort, on the basis that the cunt exists.

Despite the front cover of the DVD (I didn’t get to see it in the cinema because as far as I’m aware it was only on for about two seconds before the DVD release), Sean Bean’s character Ulric takes a secondary role to that played by Eddie Redmayne, that of Osmund, who’s faith through being a monk is tested to the ultimate limit and eventually corrupted through the actions of the antagonist, a witch called Langiva (played by Carice von Houten). The storyline was gripping and the acting was superb, with every actor giving their characters distinct personalities whilst retaining the same kind of grit and ultra-manly fight scenes that Sean Bean practically created (despite the fact that there’s only really one and a bit).

Overall I must say I enjoyed BLACK DEATH. Christopher Smith very kindly gave us a dark, haunting film with captivating performances from both the actors and the stunt doubles (not that Sean Bean requires such a commodity), with some legendary recurring stars (Tim McInnery for one), as well as some fresh talent in the form of Kimberly Nixon, who’s portrayal of Averill (Osmund’s lover) was definitely a star attraction. My only problem with the film, and yes, there IS one, is that there seems to be a lack of any real development as far as the characters go. Indeed, it seems that the only characters who receive any kind of backstory, aside from Ulric, are the men in his…is platoon the right word? Anyway yeah, Ulric’s only history is revealed about halfway through the film and takes about five seconds to get over with before we get right back to the main plot. As much as I applaud the attention-stealing storyline, the action with more grit than a road in winter and the hulking Aryan oozing of raw-manliness leading it all, the film BLACK DEATH disappoints in terms of its character development. I still rank it as being quite high on my list of films that meet my approval, but the writer inside me notices these things and won’t shut up until force-fed chips and Relentless Inferno…together!

Regards, the Beard.

Come to the Dark Side: Part 1

Now, I’ve always been something of an ‘odd-one-out’ in terms of friends. I have many of course, but during the traumatic eight years of secondary/high school and college combined, made considerably less so towards the end by a combination of the school finally giving a toss and me hitting a student in the face (Yes, violence DOES work kids, but choose your moments), I developed a distain for ‘mainstream’ culture and developed interests (including your mother) such as the supernatural, history, folklore and fantasy and different music that, given the circumstances, would otherwise have made me into a ‘goth kid’. Numerous factors prevented the transformation however, and only this year did I adopt a more ‘gothic’ look in terms of fashion. So having said this I’m sure there’s many out there who doubt whether or not I’m worthy to be making a post like this, but if so then please do say. Besides, I feel my experiences are relevant to anyone who’s had difficulty with their identity like I have.

Ok, to start off, I’d first like to address the most important issue in regards to the goth subcultures as a whole. ‘What is goth?’. Well, goth is a number of things, but the most obvious and relevant meaning in this particular context is that of a fashion and music movement which originated in the 1980s, which much deprived from the very similar ‘punk’ subgenre (which, despite popular opinion, is NOT dead, just hungover). Thus, piercings, boots, jackets, jewellery and music will be very similar (One of my friends once remarked that goths are when punks and hippies have babies). Now, this is only the physical aspect of the subculture, what REALLY counts is the spiritual element that distinguishes goths (for example, some may be afraid of needles/unable to afford certain items of clothing etc, which is perfectly acceptable and doesn’t make you any less goth). The mindset of a goth is:

• Open-mindedness
• Appreciation for art and literature
• A fascination with darkness/the supernatural/death etc
• Disregard for mainstream culture (unless it’s something that’s actually good)

Just remember, not all goths are moody or suicidal. That’s a common misconception, as well as many other aspects of the gothic subculture that many people simply do not, or choose not, to understand. Another important thing to remember is that you should not become moody or depressive just for the sake of becoming a goth, and to always remain polite when talking to what you mat regard as an outsider. Seriously, the gothic subculture receives enough underserved bad press without anyone adding to it.

Anyways, I hope this has been a good starter. I intend to cover other aspects of this amazing subculture in due course, but if there’s anything you’d like me to cover in particular then by all means leave a comment, send me a message, sky-write a request, and I’ll be happy to respond.

Regards, the Beard

So much dust...

And I'm back again.

I apologise once more for the lack of updates recently, mainly as a result of having crap internet and nothing to rant about for the past month and most of the summer. However, since becoming a student of English and Creative Writing in Lancaster, I am now finding the time to blog as well as shit to rip on, from books, movies and games to more controversial stuff like politicians, Twilight fans and your mother.

Stay tuned chaps

Regards, the Beard

Steampunk: A matter of theme

Being interested in steampunk, it was only natural for me to want to join some forums, and after having joined the amazing forum Brass Goggles (http://brassgoggles.co.uk/forum/index.php), the question was raised about steampunk writing. Now, you may be thinking I’m some form of imbecilic badger for even asking this question, but once you read it properly you’ll realise the validity of my point, especially if you happen to be a fellow writer. The question is: What makes a steampunk novel, or any form of literature, steampunk?

Now, many will respond with answers such as ‘Goggles!’, or ‘airships, rayguns, cogs’, and all manner of amazing and seemingly logical suggestions, but that’s just the problem. A good many people are drawn to steampunk because of the technical aspect, myself included, others for the retro-aspect, whilst still more others for the simple fact that it ‘looks cool’. But the majority of fans, so I’ve seen, seem to be focussing more on the ‘steam’ aspect of steampunk, rather than the ‘punk’ half. It’s the same question that a lot of writers will face, for example: Goth writers wanting to write a story that will be seen as more gothic that simple horror. For steampunks, its almost the exact same problem, how does one write a steampunk novel that isn’t just another fantasy/science-fiction?

Well most steampunk writers will be able to sort the ‘steam’ aspect of the genre. With any kind of steampunk novel, the technology should always be the foundation for either the setting, or the plot, or both. Period technologies, culture and fashion of the age of steam are also a crucial aspect to consider. However, this is all fairly easy to accomplish providing you have the know-how. What’s more mind-boggling to accomplish is, as I mentioned, the ‘punk’ aspect. What one could ask is what is ‘punk’? Well, the concept of ‘punk’ is in itself rebellion against mainstream society. Bearing that in mind, all one has to do is apply it to a Victorian-esque universe. In short, feature some form of dystopian element that features in a universe relying heavily on steam-age technology. This could be anything from working classes rebelling against machines taking away their jobs to the use of old technologies in a battle for freedom against races with more advanced science.

There’s plenty of material out there to help aspiring steampunk writers with writing anything, just be sure to focus on the punk aspect in order to make your novel stand out as an actual work of steampunk rather than a science-fcition or fantasy masquerading as steampunk.

There’s one more thing I’d like to add, and this is going to make me sound like a hypocrite, but at the end of the day, you have to write for yourself. When I asked the lovely chaps and lady-chaps at Brass Goggles the same question, the response was basically ‘Write for yourself, and let others judge your work’. Whilst others may not find this as helpful as I did, what’s important to remember is that others will always judge your work differently to your original intention. As long as you’re happy with the work you’ve done, then you’ve little to worry about, and should be happy with yourself. So if you’ve written what you believe to be an ideal steampunk novel, but some bugger comes along as describes it as a science-fiction, historical romance or a Twilight remake (in which case you’re doing something VERY wrong), then be content in the fact that you see it as steampunk, and don't worry too much about the views and interpretations of others.

Just remember, you can’t spell steampunk without punk.

I'm not dead!

I do sincerely apologize for my lack of updates lately, but alas I've been busy getting exams out of the way, as well as a job and moving into university. Ah the life of a student is bliss, and I'm only just in my house XD.

But yeah, there has been inexcuseable laziness here, and thus I do apologize. You can expect some fairely regular updating now, especially since I'm not havint to wake up stupidly early to get on a stupid bikes to go to stupid work to make up more stupid bikes for stupid customers. But yeah, I'm going to focus alot more on the actual writing aspect of writing, and I know this must sound like deja-vu but this time I WILL be keeping this place tidy and more updated.

Regards, the Beard

The shame of a nation...

Ok I don't generally like football. Don't mind playing it so much but its definately one of my least favourite sports of all time, and thats saying something, believe me. But when you watch your national team play at a sport we're SUPPOSED to be good at get annihilated to Germany, it raises more than just a few eyebrows, especially when considering these idiots get paid several times your average man's yearly wages a month to kick a fucking ball around.

Remember when football used to be about a couple of lads getting together after work or school for a kick around? Remember when it was about playing the game and not about making obscene amounts of money? Neither do I

And I know people pay loads to watch football, and even more to go see it live, but that just says more embarassing truths about the sport and the industry in it. Surely the fans want their money to be soent on better trainers, better players, better managers etc. After all, they're the ones who fork out the money that goes into the player's, managers' and inverstors' ridiculously huge wages, so don't they fucking deserve to see their team win once in a while?

Review: Swiftly by Adam Roberts

WARING: POSSIBLE SPOILERS MIGHT FOLLOW!

Has anyone ever had this happen to them: You hear about this book, read what its about, and then for a good year or so want nothing more than to tear into it, particularly if its set in 19th century Britain and involves a war between Britain and France with some elements of fantasy? And then, you read said book and then become utterly dissapointed by the end and the overall content of the bloody thing? Well, I've had that happen several times, such as Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events (unfortunate in that the ending SUCKED BALLS!), the final Harry Potter book, and...well, many of the other thousands of books I've read. Now this is down to either two things, either I have ridiculously high standards or there are no good authors out there who's names aren't Bernard Cornwell, Tim Stretton and Stan Nichols. But for the majority of this book by Mr Adam Roberts there seemed to be a lot missing, both from the plot and the universe created inside.

Ok before I go I feel I must say a bit about the actual setting first. Basically, the novel is set in pre-Victorian England, where the British Empire has become technologically advanced thanks to the enslavement of the people from Jonathan Swift's 'Gulliver's Travels, i.e. the Lilliputians, who are exactly 12 times smaller than human beings and three times as annoying. These people are used to construct advanced devices such as little flying-machines, intricate fabrics and other brilliant aspects of technology impossible by then-human standards. However, there is very little emphasis of this technology in the book, and you'd think there'd be more of it being a science-fiction novel during the single most amazing century in British history, such as man-sized aircraft, airships, clockwork cars, some kind of repeating rifle or machine gun, but in fact technology plays a very small part of the actual story, other than on a kind of mission that doesn't really go anywhere. In fact, the only real technology mentioned is a gigantic cannon at York, some kind of mystical spaceship and...well, thats basically it. You'd think for a Victorian-science fiction there'd be greater emphasis on steam-powered machinery, maybe some kind of gigantic steam-powered tank or mecha, but no such luck I'm afraid, so if a technologically-focused book is what you're after I'd say look somewhere else chappie. Robert's portrayal of Victorians, whilst accurate and enjoyable, sadly fails to make up for this.

Not only that, but there's huge holes missing from the plot, enough to severely confuse the reader similar to a cat playing with a pet-toy, only to lose sight of it and upon finding it again feel extremely depressed and self-concious. This sort of thing happens particularly towards the end of the final chapter, but you'll have to read this for yourself, lazy person. However, even without that, there's still many gaps in the storyline, especially for one of the main characters, Eleanor Burton. For example, she has something of a meeting with this German Count, a few days before her wedding, but after paying his bail after becoming arrested, nothing is heard from him again. And more to the point, how did she come to be picked up by Colonel Larroche on a journey that should have played a greater role, but instead had a very small spart in the plot of the novel.

In spite of its faults, Swiftly nevertheless remains a decent read, as well as being highly influential and invokves some deep thinking, but messes itself around too much in the Titanic-sinking holes in the plot and the lack of creativity in the universe created by Mr Roberts. Not only that, but its the only book I've read so far that's made sex boring! You have to give the author credit for satire but at the same time there's satire enough throughout the rest of the novel without the concealed messages of 'sex is bad'.

In short, the main features of the book are a French invasion of England, a plague, a ridiculously long carriage ride that has bugger-all affect on the rest of the storyline and some quite vivid detail into how someone shat themselves. I enjoyed reading it but found that Swiftly ultimately fails as a science fiction, on the grounds that there should be more science and less fiction. I know most readers prefer a balance between those two but they have to support each other, which is another sorely lacking element of this well-written novel.